The Myth of “TRY”
All my life I have been told a phrase that I never ever
examined closely.
“Always try to do your best” my parents
and teachers would exhort me.
“Don’t worry about the results”, they would say…. “If you tried
your best, then you have nothing to be ashamed about, even if you did not
succeed”.
And so I spent my life striving, failing and succeeding….
But….. always “trying”! Then one day, about 6 years ago,
I was sitting and watching a movie with my son. It was “The Karate Kid”, a
movie about a lightweight mild-mannered boy who is taught by an old Japanese-American
World War II veteran about Karate and life. The movie is an all-time favorite
of mine and my son simply loved it.
There is a scene where the boy, Daniel LaRusso arrives at
the older, Mr. Miyagi’s house for his first karate lesson. The conversation
goes like this….
Mr. Kesuke Miyagi:
Now, ready?
Daniel LaRusso: Yeah,
I guess so.
Mr, Kesuke Miyagi: [sighs]
Daniel-san, must talk. [they both kneel] Walk on road, hm? Walk left
side, safe. Walk right side, safe. Walk middle, sooner or later, [makes
squish gesture] get squish just like grape. Here, karate, same thing.
Either you karate do "yes", or karate do "no". You karate
do "guess so", [makes squish gesture] just like grape. Understand?
Daniel LaRusso: Yeah,
I understand.
Mr. Kesuke Miyagi:
Now, ready?
Daniel LaRusso: Yeah,
I'm ready.
That conversation brought home to me the essential fallacy
of the concept of “try”. In life, one either “does”
something or one “doesn’t do” something…. But “try” is what one says after one
“doesn’t do”. But the fallacy of “try” goes deeper than that. There is a
fundamental hidden dishonesty buried within that word.
When I don’t do a task and say “I didn’t do it”, then I am
still holding myself totally accountable for all aspects of the execution or
lack thereof.
However when I say “I tried… but.. I couldn’t do it”, I am
saying something far more disempowering. I am saying that my effort was not
lacking but some other agency external to me was the source of my outcome. In
this way, the concept of “try” robs me of the opportunity to be the sole author of
my life and my experience. When “I do” something I get to be the sole creator of my
experience and so it is with when “I don’t do”. In either scenario, the road to
a different experience is always open to me as the product of the application of my
own will and execution. But when “I try”, I am setting myself up to fail before
I even begin. When “I try”, I am never sure whether my success was a product of
my effort or some chance confluence of factors beyond my control, just as when
I fail it was something other than my actions that were the source of my
failure.
My “I tried” is the same as Daniel LaRusso’s “ I guess so”.
We both get squished like a grape in the grinding mill of life.
Later in my clinic, I was talking to a gentleman who had
diabetes and was struggling to lose 10 pounds of weight as well as quit
smoking.
“Doc”, he exclaimed, “You don’t know how much I tried. But I
simply can’t lose the weight, and my sugars are still uncontrolled”.
I picked up a pen and held it out to him on my open palm.
“Try to pick up this pen”, I said.
As he reached for it, I cautioned, “Remember, I told you to
only TRY to pick up. So keep trying but you can only try… not do”.
He stopped and looked at me puzzled. “Then how am I to pick
it up if I can only try?” he asked. Then a big smile spread over his face as
understanding dawned on him.
“I can either do or I cannot do…..Right Doc?” he asked,
“There is no try”.
“No!” I smiled back at him… “There never was”.
Ravi R. Iyer, MD
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